Being Vulnerable, being Man (part 2)

In my part 1 article ‘Being Vulnerable, being Man’ we began to explore the importance of men finding the courage to speak about what deeply impacts or is important to them, which opens them up to being vulnerable. It is a risk to be vulnerable, it takes courage. 

Being rejected through what might be seen as weakness is a powerful thing – our primitive brain still tells us that rejection from the tribe means death. It also informs us that if I am vulnerable as a male, I am no longer capable of protecting my people, I leave myself weak and open to attack. Each man who reads this may have a different take, but I’d wager that being accepted into your tribe, or ostracised from it are powerful drivers. So we do what we need to do to remain part of it. We do what we feel we need to do to be one of the tribe. 

Even though our primitive brain informs us in this way, my own experience suggests that if we are not able to develop the insights and personal skills to go deeper, and express them; we risk being left behind in a world that is issuing us the challenge to develop our individual and collective consciousness. 

Putting high level thinking aside, there is an equally important part to male vulnerability, one that facilitates our courage and willingness to express our deeper, real selves. That is knowing how to be with someone who is sharing their vulnerability. 

I’m sure you have all experienced a situation when you shared a part of yourself with someone that was deeply personal, only to be rejected, embarrassed or shut down by their response. From that point on we try to close it off, push it down, or do what we can to ignore it or distract ourselves. You may have also experienced your own discomfort when another man has shared their deeper self with you. 

How then do we learn to be with someone while they are being vulnerable? Thupten Jinpa refers to our way of being with those who are vulnerable as ‘Fierce Compassion’. A way of being that has no desire other than to convey to another person that they are okay, that you care and accept where they are at emotionally, mentally or spiritually. With an intention to support them through what they are experiencing. Your intention is solely to support them to find their own way out of their pain. 

I want to offer a couple of practices that will help in any conversation where you are with another male (or anyone really) who is sharing their deeper self: 

Be respectful:

Don’t judge or criticise. Remind yourself that it may have taken the person being vulnerable an enormous amount of courage to approach you and initiate the conversation – respect their courage and need, because this moment is not about you. 

This is not your experience, and for the person speaking, it is very real, even if you may not fully understand or connect with it.  

Listen:

Most people just want to be listened to in these conversations. Stop speaking, only ask questions and show them that you are hearing what they are saying by checking what you hear, without judgment or criticism. 

There is no need to fix anything:

When we feel stuck or uncomfortable we will take control of a conversation by trying to fix things, or moving to our own experience of what we think is similar and how we fixed that. Once again, this isn’t about you, so don’t hijack the conversation and make it about yourself.  

Avoid dismissive cliches:

‘You’ll be right’, ‘you just need to be strong’, ‘I think you just need to toughen up’ plus many more. 

Ask:

How can I help you, or what do you need? 

It takes practice and an intention to bring a fearlessly compassionate way of being to conversations with other men. It is important for us to not only be vulnerable but feel safe enough to be with other men who will support us in accessing our genuine manhood, that is accessing their true, best self.

Photo courtesy Jude Beck on Unsplash